Vending machines can be boring, deadly, and frustrating. Read: vending machines kill more people than sharks. I’m here to change the vending machine perspective and to revive it’s flailing reputation. I feel bad watching the vending machine’s ego writhing on my floor, so I have trekked into the depths of the internet and found the six most awesome vending machines ever. After defeating many Cragslist creeps, being attacked on Omegle, and wasting hours on Facebook, I have accomplished my goal. *Holds notebook over head like Link*
1. Pizza Vending Machine
This fall, there will be a brand new vending machine hitting the streets of the U.S. The Pizza Vending Machine will give you a (I don’t know how fresh) pizza for $6. Supposedly, the pizzas are made within the machine. It says that each pizza will take three minutes to “produce.” Sounds to me like it takes them a minute to microwave it and then they wait two more minutes to increase the perceived quality.
This reminds me of those doctors’ visits when the nurse says that “the doctor will be right in.” Forty five minutes later when the doctor walks in, I know that I’m about to get some quality check-ups. Also note that these doctors always blame uncooperative babies, and nobody ever realizes that babies don’t go to adult clinics.
2. Cupcake Vending Machine
The cupcake vending machine by Sprinkles has already made its debut in Beverly Hills at the famous bakery. (The bakery is called Sprinkles. In case you didn’t make that connection. I have you covered, individuals with below average intelligence!)
Not only does this awesome vending machine shoot out cupcakes twenty four hours per day, it also sells cupcake ingredients and cupcakes for dogs! FOR DOGS! The only thing better than that is a vending machine that GIVES YOU DOGS!
3. Facebook Vending Machines
Don’t get excited to quickly there, McMuffinTops, this one doesn’t give you any food. Also, you can’t use it unless you work for Facebook. Employees, instead of putting in a request with tech support when they break a computer keyboard or need a new power cord, just walk over to the Facebook vending machine and swipe their magical card. Different than a credit card – you have to pay off credit cards. “I beg to differ.” I hope you get arrested.
4. Anger Release Vending Machines
The anger release vending machine is for all of those times when you get angry enough to shatter something delicate. Since you don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of breaking something, why not just buy a couple of plates from this vending machine and then smash them to make yourself feel better? No clean up, no buying new plates, no worries! Plus, even if you’re not angry, SMASHING STUFF IS FUN.
Quick story – this one time, I smashed a plate as a kid, and then my great gramma locked me in a trunk. ”I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.” No I FELT LIKE AN ASTRONAUT! Plus, back in the old days, people could do whatever they wanted.
5. Live Crab Vending Machine
Have you ever wanted to buy a live crab from a vending machine? No? Well, I think you’re the minority here. I always wanted to have a pet crab, and now nobody can tell me that I can’t have one! Plus, I’ll be saving these little guys from a death of boiling water! ”Wait – how many are you going to buy?” All of them, so I’m going to need a loan from you. I PROMISE I’LL PAY IT BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
This vending machine is in China, so many of us don’t have access to its awesomeness.
6. Pet Rhinoceros Beetles
Here is one of the greatest vending machines: it dispenses pet rhinoceros beetles. I hope you guys brought tongs, because there’s no way I’m ever touching that thing. I’ll put in in my lizard cage, but I’m never playing with it. I hope it doesn’t hurt my lizards.
Of course, this is in Japan, because where else would you be able to get pet beetles? Besides the forests of some foreign jungle, of course. There, though, you’d probably get a pet beetle and Limes disease! Yay! Ticks!