OK, before I begin, let’s get two things straight:

  1. Tom Selleck is hot, regardless of that thing over his lip.
  2. Nic Cage is NOT hot.  Ever.  Not ever.

Tom

So, why then, is there even a rumor that Nicholas Cage is playing the mustached P.I.?  Does Universal Studios hate me?  Do they simply want to mock me?  Or is it that they really hate themselves, as I secretly suspect?

Nic is reported as saying that he “likes the mix of comedy and crime-solving in the script.”  No, what he really likes is that people are still offering him a paycheck after Wicker Man.  Honestly, and I’m not just trying to be a dick here for the sake of being a dick, the last movies that Cage did where he was even remotely tolerable as an actor were Raising Arizona and Peggy Sue Got Married.  Everything after that has been pure, unadulterated crap.

And now, so will Magnum P.I.

They’d better not even THINK about trying to bring back those hideous Hawaiian shirts, or I’m gonna climb a clocktower.