Sylvester Stallone was formally convicted of importing human growth hormone this week, and was ordered to pay more than $10,000 in fines. If I’m ever disfigured I want this guy making my prosthetics. Scott Stapp was arrested this week, but strangely not for his atrocious music and general douchebaggery. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched a water balloon bounce off the ground in slow motion. A captive shark had a “virgin birth” this week. Then there’s this poor guy, who drove his golf cart off a cliff. Ouch! Apparently, Anakin Skywalker could have used a visit to the shrink. Finally, just when you thought it had gone away, some assclown decided to bring a bunch of snakes onto a plane.

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