You want to show off your right to bear arms like any super-hardcore American, but you also don’t want someone to get shot. That’s why you have decided to read about these seven gun decorations! No shootings on your premises will be accepted, because you are better than that. You are AMERICAN. (Note to people reading this who aren’t from America: it’s not actually true that being an American makes you better than other people, though most people in America tend to subscribe to that notion.)
Yeah, this stuff is made of guns, but you can’t hurt anybody with it. “False: I could easily hit you over the head with that lamp.”
1. 9mm Wall Sconces
Well there’s a word combination you never thought you’d see. 9mm and wall sconce. You know, until I wrote this post, I didn’t know what a sconce was. You learn something every day, right? These decorative gun lamps serve two purposes: lighting up your house and scaring the living daylights out of anyone who tries to break into your house. If I were a robber, and I saw a guy that had lamps made of guns, I would hightail it out of there. ASAP.
2. Gun Doorknobs
Yes, these are all doorknobs. Tired of solicitors? Put one of these on your front door, and they probably won’t come close. Pros: no more people pretending to be from the inner city selling you golf magazine subscriptions. Cons: no more thin mints from the girl scouts. Solution:
kidnap the girl scouts take over a thin mint manufacturing plant by force eBay.
3. Chair Made of Shotgun Shells
I can’t attest to the comfort level of this chair, but I can attest to the “tough guy” cred that this chair will give your home. Might even make up for those Channing Tatum posters your wife put up in the living room! “No, it won’t – your wife still hasn’t taken those down yet?” SHUT UP NOBODY WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW. Look – how am I supposed to compete with that guy? He used to be a male stripper. The only time I strip anything is when I the back hair shows up over my shirt and I have to wax it.
4. Gun Lamp Looks Menacing
Not only does this gun lamp look menacing, it also looks really expensive. This combo personally doesn’t suit my taste, since it kind of screams DRUG DEALER and that’s the last thing I need. The police are still on me about launching a watermelon down the neighbor’s chimney. “Excuse me?” Sorry – watermelons down neighbors’ chimneys. I’ll be right back – I’m out of watermelons. Tighten the tension on the trebuchet while I’m out.
5. Three Words: Next Job Interview
I’m applying to become an actuarial accountant, and I can guarantee you one thing: I will be wearing this necklace, and I will get the job. The only thing I need now is a degree in actuarial accounting. Just math stuff, right? I’ve gotten enough moving violations to judge when somebody needs to be charged higher insurance rates, so I think I’ll be alright.
6. Dress Made Of Bullets
No, I am not objectifying women. (Reminds me of the time I defended my heading about a skeleton of My Little Pony.) Just because this is a list of decorations does not mean that I can’t add something that is not a decoration for an object. Welcome to my domain – I OWN YOU. Regardless of what it may or may not imply, this dress is awesome. Uncomfortable? Probably.
7. Shooting Out Lights With The BANG! Gun Lamp
Ever feel like shooting out a light? Whether it’s because you’re a boss or because you’ve grown too large to stand up is unimportant – with the BANG! lamp you can do just that! Without risking lives or the constitution of your other furniture!