Don’t spend this time looking for presents, since you’re not even close to being ready for that stage of what I like to call “Christmas preparation.” No, you’re still on stage one, which is decorating your old shack so that it looks like a masterpiece of holiday cheer. The first step in accomplishing this daunting task?
Take your pick, friends – we’ve got dinosaurs, Star Wars, and more!
1. Dinosaur Ornaments Eat Children
Ha! Don’t be ridiculous – you’ll need ornaments a lot bigger than these to get rid of your children that easily. Read: the evil zombie Santa that Uncle Tom sent via UPS. Shatter it before your life turns into a grade D horror movie worse than The Gingerdead Man.
2. Mario and Luigi Geeky Christmas Ornaments
Mario and Luigi look even more surprised than I was when I found out that Santa had brought my wife a new pair of Prada heels and a Louis Vutton handbag. Do you know how much money Santa had to drain out of my account to do that? “Yeah, well you bought yourself the iPad Mini, which is exactly the same as the other four devices you already own.” That’s different, since I work on the internet, and it’s important that I stay connected with the latest technology. *Playing Fruit Ninja*
3. R2-D2 Looking Kind Of Bulbous
This reminds me of
that one time those several times where I have insensitively asked women if they’re pregnant. You know what? The welts that their slaps leave may be painful, but the YouTube footage is gold. I’m going to be the next Remi Gaillard, except I won’t get arrested as much. Oh yeah, this is an R2-D2 christmas ornament. “How was that story relevant?” Put quite bluntly: R2-D2 looks kind of fat.
4. Firefly Geeky Christmas Ornament
Although Firefly is/was an admittedly mediocre show, the fanbase is still incredibly hardcore, which warrants everyone still talking about these space cowboys. Why is this one up here?
I’m a secret fan of the show I don’t want a third cantaloupe launched at my front door by these nutso fanboys who live next door and apparently get a great deal on cantaloupe. Get the Serenity Christmas ornament for your ugly, wilting tree today! “I TOLD you we should have gotten a fake one. Nobody would have been able to tell.”
5. A Bunch of Awesome Pokeball Christmas Ornaments
I CHOOSE YOU, COUSIN FRED! *Shatters a Pokeball ornament on his back* Stop doing that! This is why I never come over here for the holidays, you little slug.
6. C-3PO Ornament LIKE A BOSS
This is a great geeky Christmas ornament, but I’m still not sure when it’s appropriate to use the phrase “LIKE A BOSS.” The cool kids down the street said it makes everything sound more awesome, though, so I’m going to go with it. Eating cereal right now. LIKE A BOSS. Have to go take a pee before I go to work. LIKE A BOSS. I think it’s working!
7. What Time Is It?
ADVENTURE TIME! Man, if I had a nickel for every time I said that to somebody who asked me what time it was, I’d have at least 45 cents, maybe more.
8. Batman Symbol Christmas Ornament
Batman is, arguably, the most awesome superhero there is. Being as intense as he is, surely you’ve reserved a spot for him on your Christmas tree? No? Well, perhaps tomorrow when you find all of your tires slashed and a giant bat spray-painted on your garage door, Bruce Wayne will help you rethink your decision. With his fists. I suggest putting the Christmas tree up early this year.
9. Iron Man Christmas Ornament
You didn’t think I’d leave Avengers fans out of the fun, did you? The only thing I question is why this ornament was made by Hallmark. I didn’t think they were huge fans of lasers and huge guns, as they usually try to go for that calming effect. Reminds me of the time we got a Hallmark card for this lady – it said “there’s no speed limit on the road to recovery!” The reason she was in the hospital? Broke her arm in a car accident. We never forgave ourselves.