Britney Spears may be just as crazy as Whitney Houston, but her ex-bodyguard sure as hell ain’t Kevin Coster.  That’s for damned sure.

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Tony Barretto, or Fat Tony as he has been monikered in the press, is about the world’s shittiest bodyguard alive.  First, he makes a declaration to the court that he had concerns for Britney Spears’ drug use and nudity around her 1- and 2-year old sons.  And now the glorified bouncer is selling his story to every reporter with a pencil and a $20 bill.

According to The Daily Mail, Tony, who would have at one time in his three month tenure as Spears’ security guard “taken a bullet” for her, is now saying that he had concerns that Britney was going to drown her children.  His account goes as follows:

“She sent the nanny home. She sent her best friend and personal assistant, Alli Sims, home. Britney hates to be alone, so this was worrying.

“One of the bodyguards who had been with her longest said she was beginning to shut down as she had just before she shaved her head.

“He said she’d been talking about suicide then, and this was the same. Britney was sobbing. She screamed.”

Sensing danger, his colleague said: “I’m worried about the kids. Don’t let her go swimming with them.”

“Shocked, I asked, ‘Is she going to drown them?’ He said, ‘I don’t know.’ I started to cry. How am I supposed to protect someone like that?”  (Source)

Call me a skeptic, but it’s quite a leap in logic from “I want to be alone” to “I want to drown my kids.”  I often tell my boyfriend that I need some alone time, and even occasionally ask him to make himself scarce.  I have yet, during any of these quiet moments, had the urge to go to my apartment complex pool and drown one of the neighborhood kids.  Maybe that’s just me.

Barretto blathers on about everything Britney ever did in front of him, such as supposedly stripping and having tantrums.  It just seems to me that to be so big and tough, this bodyguard seems to be a bit of a cry baby drama queen.  I mean, he worked for her for three months.  I’ve had bowel movements that have lasted longer.  It’s hardly enough time to get so attached to someone that you’d take a bullet for them.

Methinks I smell a book deal.  And a big, steaming pile of horseshit.