Cracked.com Soren Bowie may have posted the best Craigslist advert ever, his selfless offer to bully your child in order to help them grow up with the social skills needed to survive in our cold cruel world.
Unfortunately Bowie’s advert was flagged by someone who had obviously no sense of humor and it has since been taken down. But here are the best bits in case you didn’t get a chance to see it while it was up!
Bowie begins by introducing himself as a non-parent, stating that whenever he is unfortunate enough to come across other people’s children, he is struck with the same thought, that they are his “least favorite type of people.”
Based on evaluations from his own childhood and from the children he encounters in everyday life, Bowie came to the conclusion that the hardest part of raising a child is administering discipline and claims that he wants to help! This is what inspired him to post the Craigslist advert offering to bully children in order to prepare them for life. He wants to help families to get rid of what he calls “an unsavory trend of self-entitlement among kids” and feels that his unique bullying skills are the way to do this.
He is of course talking about sorting out the kid of child who is spoilt rotten by their parents and therefore have absolutely no concept of reality. The kind of child who thinks that wailing a little bit and throwing a temper-tantrum is going to guarantee that everything he/she ever wanted will be delivered to them on a beautifully garnished plate. He said that a tragic side effect of “overdose in support and encouragement is blindness to personal limitations” and is brought on by “the metaphorical helmet and pads parents have strapped to their children’s self esteem.”
Bowie said that he completely understands that parents will not want to watch their “kids hurt emotionally by their inadequacies, which are many” however he believes that if they do not allow him to “recalibrate their expectations of the world” then their suffering is likely to be much greater in the future!
Bowie makes a clear distinction from his particular brand of bullying and the standard victimization that most kids will encounter as they make their way through life, especially – as Bowie pointed out – if they are the kind of child who has “an imaginary horse named Winter”. Bowie assures parents that he is a professional, who would not publicly bully their child online or in front of their peers, because “shame is a lesson best learned in private.”
Some of the techniques that Bowie listed are as follows:
- Laughing at your child’s hobbies
- Licking every item in your child’s lunchbox
- Making up an emasculating nickname for your child and creating a song around that nickname
- Pointing out your child’s physical insecurities and asking why that part of them is so weird
- Farting in a sleeping bag and trapping your child inside
He offers all of this and more for just $9 an hour!! What a bargain!
Read more: Hire Me to Bully Your Child! A Real Craigslist Ad (Via Cracked.com)