Keys are boring, unless you’re the one stealing them and using them to take peoples’ cats. (Dear mysterious cat-taker, please bring back my cat. He doesn’t like you as much as he likes me. Stockholm syndrome does not apply to cats.)
These seven unusual keys and key covers will show your personality to the world, and will spice up your life. Right now, if I were to take a bite out of your life, it would be bland. Because your life is bland. You’re bland. You need to go dress up as Spiderman and punch someone in the face!
1. Chainsaw Key Cover
Your key will only open one door, a few at most. A chainsaw? Chainsaws open everything. Zombie bodies, vampire bodies, regular bodies, and almost every single door ever! That’s why you have to get the chainsaw key cover: because you will not be able to get into places without it.
2. Mustache Key Cover
Everyone knows that keys can’t breathe and grow facial hair, which is why we all should purchase these mustache key covers. Also, one of those cool air pumps so that we can pretend that we are cleaning the leaves off of our lawns while we’re actually just using high-powered wind to give them funny faces.
3. Monkey Face Key Covers
The monkey is not included in the price, nor is the monkey included at all. You can’t buy the monkey, because that is illegal. Also, no one wants to sell you the monkey, because monkeys are very dangerous animals.
4. Ti-Keys Tiki Key Covers
Tikis, keys, Tiki keys, Ti-keys, tea keys, tea leaves, chamomile. These are a few of my favorite things! Free association is like free running except for people who have thunder thighs like I do and don’t enjoy running. (Running is not a sport, running is exercise. Exercise is not a sport.)
5. Zombie Head Key Covers
The Zombikeys are zombie heads. When you combine these zombie heads with your key, you get zombie heads connected to fracture spines, which is the way all zombie heads should be.
6. Glow In The Dark Skeleton Keys
I vaguely remember a book called the Skeleton Key, which brings up the question: why wasn’t there some pointless and expensive law suit over this product? Doesn’t everyone just sue people for fun these days? It sure seems like it.
7. Sonic The Hedgehog Key Cover
Good guy Sonic will never let you go a day without making you feel cool! Get this winking key cover, which has real life winking action! By that, I mean that they cut his body off right when he was winking and then froze his face like that. Hooray for hardcore Sega fans and their World War Z lobos! (You won’t get that unless you read the book, which is nothing like the movie. And when I say nothing like the movie, I mean that the characters do not even overlap.)