6 Things That Will Help You Stuff Your Face

Eating can be difficult sometimes, especially following chronic periods of eating.  (By chronic, I mean twenty years, because I can set drinks on my man boobs and still get the straw into my mouth.)  You need to bake your own treats, cut your own meats, and eat your own beets, but these six wonderful things will help you stuff your face at your convenience!  They all facilitate eating, and thus they are all awesome.

1.  Butter Cutter Gives Perfect Squares

When a delicious piece of toast gets set on my plate, my stomach grumbles and I’m ready for some serious tastiness.  I pick up the butter knife with my sausage fingers, and then end up smearing it all over in odd chunks.  With the butter cutter, your body will still look like an assortment of odd chunks, but your butter won’t!  Get that perfect square of butter every time without fail, and your toast will be much better, allowing you to stuff your face more conveniently.  Innovation!

2. Turn Your Pens Into Silverware

When you’re at work and find someone else’s snack, since you’ve already eaten your own, you probably don’t have any silverware on hand.  With Din-Ink, pens can become silverware in just an instant!  Slap it on the end of you pen, and boom!  You have a fork!  “Thanks, mystery man!”  Don’t thank me, thank SCIENCE!  Actually, thank me because I’m a greedy piece of trash.

3.  Silverware Set That Looks Like Fish

Fish silverware honestly isn’t going to help you eat, but who wouldn’t want to use a fish to eat a fish?  Fishception, except you get more nutritional value than the Inception movie gave you, since at that one we all just ate popcorn and hoped that we could ask someone what was going on.

4.  Rip The Guts Out of a Pineapple

I like to call this one the pineapple killer, since you basically rip out the insides of its juicy torso.  The good news: it’s much easier to stuf your face.  The bad news: you just killed a pineapple.  But, the means justify the ends of you getting fat and happy, so we will indiscriminately kill fruit until we get what we want.  What do we want?  BRAINZ…..  When do we want it?  BRAINZ….

 5.  Eggs Shaped Like Cubes

You’ve probably had eggs before, but never like this.  Cubed eggs are the new style, and you need to get with the program if you’ve been missing out.  Make stuffing your face easier by getting rid of the oval shape and going straight to the modern design of cubic technology.  Take your eating… to the power of THREE!  (Obscure reference to The Office.)

6.  Strawberry Tree is Easy Pickings

The best thing about strawberries is picking them from their place of growing, but not all of us can have that pleasure.  With this mini strawberry tree, you can pick your fruit and make your mealtime more enjoyable!  We can also find more room to put our shrunken heads, since we can just spear them on like they do in The Game of Thrones.  No, none of my shrunken heads look like George W. Bush.

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