Batman is the best superhero, and after you read this post, you will be convinced that I speak nothing but the truth. Which you may or may not be able to handle, but I could really not care less if your processor is overloaded. My reasons are not really reasons, per se, but they show how Batman is clearly more awesome than some of the heroes contending for the top spot on the totem pole. Sure, I don’t address all of the superheroes that could be said to best Batman, but if you would like to comment below the post, I would be glad to troll you there with my superior knowledgabilitiness of sophisticationism.
1. Vs. Superman: Strange Fears and a Hostile Government
Let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment: Superman is afraid of rocks. There’s not even a word for that. And there’s even a term for a fear of chins: geniophobia. (Not to be confused with genophobia, of course. I’ll let you look that one up yourself. *Hundreds of people rush to Google*)
UPDATE: I have been informed that it is called stanophobia. The fact that there is a word for it does not make the fear of rocks any less lame.
Another point – Batman is from the planet Earth – he’s one of us. We geeks have all watched enough sci-fi films to know that the government would have killed Superman by now. Anything from an alien planet is always considered “bad,” so we blow it up with our large missiles. And we have lots. Of missiles.
2. Vs. Spiderman: Get Your Story Straight and Stop Making Lame Movies
I see geeks
on the street sitting in a dark room on the computer and arguing that Spiderman could take Batman, Bruce Wayne, in a fight. Are you kidding? Peter Parker can’t even get his origin story straight! Did he invent the entire web-shooting ability or was it part of the genetic mutation?
Additionally, Batman will soon be armed with a powerful trilogy of sick movies that destroyed the box office. Spiderman’s flicks? Described by many as “eh.” Plus, with that guy from The Social Network starring as Spiderman in the upcoming movie, I don’t think we’re going to see a shift in the pattern. Even Toby Maguire jumped off that boat, and he did stuff like Cats & Dogs.
3. Vs. Ant Man: What?
Nobody even knows who Ant Man is, so I’m not going to go any further. (Super awesome comic book nerds, feel free to elaborate in the comments section and enlighten the rest of the people reading this.)
4. Vs. Green Lantern: Bound To The Ring Like A Rich Man With No Prenuptials
Men over sixty with billions of dollars who are married to women under thirty, I apologize for offending you. (Thankfully, the demographic of “old wealthy men married to young women” is highly underrepresented on Buzz Patrol. Hooray, men in their thirties with some college education and middle class income!) The Green Lantern, very much unlike Batman, is nothing without the spandex suit and the glowing ring. Batman has affluence, an intimidating voice, and real fighting skills.
Plus, Green Lantern is named after a light fixture. How much worse can it get? Honestly? Well, you could be portrayed by Ryan Reynolds in your movie, and then be compared to a superhero who was played by Christian Bale. What a boss.
5. Vs. Iron Man: Close, But No Cigar. Lots Of Scotch On The Rocks, Though
Iron Man is an incredible superhero – I’ll give you that much. Tony Stark is rich, Bruce Wayne is rich. Tony Stark gets the girls, Bruce Wayne gets the girls. The fact is, however, that Iron Man relies almost completely on his suit. He is also vulnerable, since he didn’t choose to keep his identity a secret from the public. There is, furthermore, a small chance that Stark will be completely wasted in the world’s greatest time of need.
Bruce has his super awesome old man butler which, in my opinion, tops Jarvis by a longshot. Why have a fake butler when you can have a real one? THAT’S RIGHT – YOU HAVE NO ANSWER.