Popcorn is the most delicious (non-female) thing to have sitting in the seat next to you at a movie. I bought two tickets before I knew that my date was going to stand me up, so why not take up a seat with my huge bucket of popcorn? Yes, folks, we have gone so far down the path of obesity that we now call them “buckets.” Ironic, isn’t it, how we can walk so far down the path of obesity and not be getting any exercise?
These five geeky popcorn buckets are the most awesome innovations when it comes to high-tech chemical compounds that have the ability to retain popcorn in a reservoir that allows for simple extraction. Translation: it makes it easier for you to eat things.
1. R2-D2 Popcorn Bucket
This is an incredibly detailed popcorn bucket that looks like R2-D2. You can put his head back on and pretend like you don’t have any popcorn left when people try to take it from you, but that would be selfish. It’s much more morally acceptable to just eat all of the popcorn really quickly so that there actually isn’t any popcorn left! Then, when the movie is getting to scary, you can use your vomiting as an excuse to escape. This might be the first time you ever get through Saw IV without peeing yourself!
2. Grotesque Zombie Head Popcorn Bucket
This unique popcorn bucket reminds me of that game I used to play on Halloween back in the third grade. The room moms would bring a bunch of random stuff to school, and all of the children would have to reach into buckets without looking and tell everyone what they thought they were feeling! Wet noodles were generally thought of as brains, and meatballs were generally thought of as a large number of severed testicles. “What kind of room moms did you have?” One time they actually had cow eyes! And I got it right – everyone else was guessing jello balls, but I said cow eyes and won. The room mom got arrested.
3. TRON Legacy Popcorn Bucket
The TRON Legacy popcorn bucket was probably given out at one of the midnight premiers for the new movie, which I never ended up seeing. I listened to the soundtrack, my mind exploded, and then I didn’t really feel the need to add any visuals to that experience. Sometimes too much of a good thing makes something so awesome that it is actually really bad. Like flying over the grand canyon in a bat suit and puking on the white water rafters. “Physics doesn’t let people as heavy as you fly in bat suits.” I am designing a new bat suit that doesn’t need physics. DUH. *Leaps off of the roof and lands in a bush*
4. Iron Man Popcorn Bucket
The Iron Man popcorn bucket is actually an Avengers popcorn bucket that happens to be facing us at such an angle that it appears to be an Iron Man popcorn bucket. New idea: make a website dedicated to 360 degree tours of used popcorn buckets. I would be the Charles Carreon of the internet! “That doesn’t even make sense.” I would be the Charles Carreon of life! “Why would you EVER want to be Charles Carreon? The most important thing he did was litigate the Sex.com domain.” And what an important case that was, my friends.
5. Jurassic Park Popcorn Bucket
The Jurassic Park popcorn bucket would really make me feel like I am part of the movie – like I am in the forest with the actors. While the dinosaurs eat people, I could eat popcorn and pretend that I was eating people! While the people run for their lives from the dinosaurs, I could keep eating popcorn and pretending that
I was eating people had friends to watch the movie with me, and that I was eating them! “Do I need to call the police?” Do you? I wouldn’t know, I am just a dinosaur. *Eats more popcorn*