We here at Buzz Patrol love movies, and we especially love horror films. Like anyone else though, when we’re watching we can’t help thinking that we would stand a much better chance of survival than the characters in the movie if this were to happen in real life. They just make so many dumb mistakes!
In honor of the fact that today is Friday the 13th, here’s a list of the top 10 stupid mistakes (that will most likely get you killed) if you were caught in the events of a horror movie. So, next time you find yourself being chased by a serial killer, pursued by a murdering psychopath, hunted by some sort of monster, terrorized by a supernatural entity, or running away from a horde of zombies, here’s what not to do…
10. Running upstairs
Ok, so the killer is coming after you, he may even be right behind you. You dash into the living room, the front door is in front of you, the stairs are to your side – make a choice, quick!
Instead of being the sensible person that runs outside and oh, maybe gets in the car, or screams for help from the neighbors, or tries to draw attention to your situation in some way, you do the opposite. You become the frightened idiot that dashes upstairs where you are now trapped and have no way to get back down should the killer block your path short of jumping out a window and hurting yourself.
Speaking of which…
9. Jumping out of a window and hurting yourself
Yes, being chased is scary. Anything or anyone that is coming after you with the intent of hurting and/or killing you in some way is a chilling thought. It’s natural to want to get away, but you have to be careful. Your chances of survival plummet dramatically after twisting your ankle, or breaking your leg, for example. Any injury that is going to slow you down makes you that weak little gazelle in the back that gets picked off by the jackals. You’re not going to make it. So, I know you’re scared, but try to be a little cautious. Think ahead a bit if you can, and for your own sake, watch where you’re going!
8. Not watching where you’re going
Aside from the aforementioned point of increasing your odds of hurting yourself, whenever you don’t watch where you’re going you make obvious mistakes. You miss the exit out of town, or the sign warning you that the bridge is out up ahead, or something similar. Half the time you run right back into the killer or monster you’re running from to begin with. Plus when you’re observant of your surroundings then you’re more likely to see or find things that might help you out of your situation.
7. Not looking for solutions to help you out of your situation
Oh no, there’s no cell phone signal! I guess I shouldn’t check again for the rest of the night then! I also won’t try to alert others to my plight or seek help. I’ll just run off on my own with this madman after me, with no one knowing I’m gone, to someplace no one knows I’m going! Furthermore, without anyone realizing I’m even in danger to begin with that might try to come after me and help or save me, my odds of anyone coming to my aid put the entire burden of survival on my own shoulders. Yea!
Um, does that sound like a good strategy?
If the cell phone doesn’t work, you better be checking that signal every chance you get. Your eyes should be peeled for a land line. You should be banging on doors, honking car horns, smashing in windows, and causing as much noise and chaos as possible until someone pops their head out to see what the hell is going on, or calls the cops on your ass. Either way, help will be forthcoming.
If you need to be stealthier, like in an apocalyptic zombie plagued future and there is no help to be had, and noise is your enemy, don’t do this. You still need to look for every possible solution to save yourself though. Don’t try something just once and give up! Stay alert and think, think, think! Leave visual clues or signs to point to where you might be hiding that the living would be able to see if anyone else ever tries to rescue you, but don’t count on it.
6. Hiding somewhere with only one point of entry
Good hiding spot: a ground-floor level room or building with more than one door, preferably with locks on them that work from the inside. Lock the door behind you and be ready to go out another exit should your location be compromised.
Bad hiding spots: a closet, a basement, a cave, a trunk, a cabinet, the attic, a drain pipe, a bathroom stall, crawling under something or into any opening that doesn’t have a way out on the other side, climbing up anything that doesn’t present another way down other than the way you came up.
You get the idea.
5. Trying to figure out why this is happening
Instead of trying to figure out what caused the zombie outbreak, or discover some sort of pattern of murders that can be traced back to some milestone event (and therefore figure out the identity of the killer!) just do whatever it takes to get away from the situation and report it to those that might stand a better chance of handling it than you. You’re not an amateur detective, and you don’t want to be caught in the situation where you weren’t able to get away when you could have done because you were too busy trying to discover his motives for the killing rampage instead.
4. Going out on your own to check it out
One of your friends went out to see why the lights went out, and hasn’t come back. Don’t go out on your own to check on him, or see what happened. Call the electric company and see if there’s an outage. If there’s not, it means someone (or something) cut your power, immediately call the cops.
See how much easier that was?
If you think your house may already be compromised, have everyone leave together! If you think whatever is out there is still “out there” then lock the doors and bunker down together, but get ready to leave if need be.
Don’t send individuals out on their own to be picked off one by one, and don’t let yourself be one of those people. Unless (perhaps) you’re using them as a diversion to get away – but you’re the one who has to live with yourself for that one. That’s all on you buddy. Yea, you know what you did…
3. Trying to document and film what’s happening
If your walls start bleeding, or items start levitating in your home, don’t pull out the camera and try to see if you can catch it on tape, just get out!
Similarly, if you think you might have demons or ghosts hanging about, but just haven’t seen any concrete physical evidence yet, and really want to see if you can elicit some sort of sign or reaction and capture it on video to prove it, you might want to reconsider. Generally demons (and ghosts) don’t like to be taunted to perform for you. The results are rarely going to be what you expect. Also, if you think you have demons or ghosts, why the hell are you still there anyway?
And, last but not least. If a giant monster is attacking the city, just put down the camcorder and run. Don’t try to film the whole experience and get everyone’s reactions. Don’t think you’re documenting the event. All you are doing is pissing everyone else off, slowing the group down, and ultimately causing a distraction that will most likely get you as well as the others killed.
2. Attempting to reason with the killer
This crazy bastard just decapitated your boyfriend and sucked the eyeballs out of their socket in front of you, he’s not going to find it deep in his heart to spare you. He’s not going to have an emotional epiphany and realize that this all stems from a childhood trauma of being chosen last to be on the team whenever he had to play sports at school. He doesn’t just need a hug.
If you think that all he needs is someone that understands his pain, or how it feels to be an outsider, and that if you can just show him you can relate, he might see the error of his ways. If you try to give a speech about how this isn’t the way to act because now he’s hurting others too, the same way they hurt him (and blah, blah, blah) then you deserve the axe to the head that just came crashing down on you during your attempt to be a daytime talk show host.
The same is true of former loved ones that have been converted to monsters. They’re not them anymore, don’t reach out to that part of them that you know must still be there deep inside. Don’t think they’ll recognize you, remember their love for you, and somehow not be an undead killing machine bent on eating your flesh. It doesn’t happen. Just when you think you made a connection and got through, just when you think, “Look, he remembers!” is exactly the moment they bite into your jugular.
1. Going back after you got away
Somehow you managed to escape and made it to safety. Why would you go back? If your friends or family are still in danger, don’t try to be the hero and go it alone; get backup! Call the police, the national guard, the fire department, but bring someone else (preferably lots of someones) with you. In fact, if you can, bring the whole freakin’ Army!
Don’t take it into your own hands to try and kill the monster or murderer on your own either. Don’t think it has to be you. Don’t worry about what will happen if you don’t go back and “take care of it” on your own. Remember that just a short while ago you were desperately running for your life. Why would it be any different if you go back? If you really want to survive, you can’t go it alone.
If you absolutely must be a martyr and return without any help, at least try to inform others of what you’re doing first so perhaps they can send support later, or at the very least, know what happened to you when they find your corpse, assuming they ever do find it. Maybe then people will know what they’re dealing with, and can avoid the same mistakes you made.